Nancy Pelosi said recently about the health care bill, "We have to pass this bill so that you can find out what's in it." And Obama said the other day, "I haven't read the bill yet, but we need to pass it." This kind of makes you think Congress and Obama are like the Forrest Gumps of politicians saying, "Obamacare is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna get."

When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House she said that this would be the most ethical Congress ever. But associating Congress with ethics is like associating Al Gore with charisma. There is actually an Ethics Committee in Congress and I'm assuming they are on the lookout for anyone there being ethical. So far they've found no one.

But a congressman trying to find ethics it's pretty much like a caveman trying to discover fire. It's something you've never seen before so you really don't know what it looks like. It compares to Tiger Wood discovering fidelity or Lady Gaga finding normalcy.

From many of the actions that Congress takes you'd think their collective IQs would have a hard time topping summer temperatures in Alaska. It makes you want to propose a reality show to the networks about Congress - Are You Smarter than Sandpaper? But the fact is that many of them are really intelligent people but when the mold was made for those people they forgot to provide space for that thing we talked about earlier in the article - ethics (but on Nancy Pelosi instead of ethics they put botox.)

Intelligence without ethics is how you get "brilliant" pieces of work like a stimulus package to spend your way of debt.

Let's just listen in on an interview with a Congressman that never made it to air (because the "ethics" committee wouldn't allow it):

Interviewer: What do you think is the biggest problem we face today, healthcare or unemployment?

Congressman: Neither one, it's being re-elected.

Interviewer: How is that a problem for the citizens of the United States?

Congressman: Oh, I didn't know we were talking about them. I thought we were talking about me. In that case I think the biggest problem is either steroid in sports or replacing the BCS system with a playoff in college football.

Interviewer: Why would those things be important to Congress?

Congressman: Well, first of all, Miss smarty pants interviewer, they are subjects where it makes Congress looks like we really care about something and so it makes us look good. And second it's something we can't really get in trouble for. Even though a lot of us take steroids and really, any type of drug you could imagine, legal or illegal, we aren't professional athletes, so it takes the limelight off of us and puts it somewhere else.

Interviewer: But how do those things fall under your jurisdiction?

Congressman: I guess you aren't listening. I already said it makes us look good and that is our biggest jurisdiction.

At that time a couple of Secret Service agent swept in and carted the interviewer off, never to be heard from again.

And with that said, it would be nice if we could just get rid of these guys by "unfriending" them in our Facebook accounts but at least we can vote them out in the next election.

Sex takes way too much of most people's attention. In fact, for some men the only time they are not thinking about sex is when they are actually having it. For women it is more talking about men's desire for sex and laughing at the men, thinking that they have them all figured out...then they eventually sometimes regain their sanity.

You see, women think there is something to figure out about men but there really isn't. If you could see inside the typical man's mind you'd see...SeX...sports...SEx...eat...SEX...sports again...take a dump... and also a lot more SEX. And that's about it. Oh and I did forget beer for some of them too. It really doesn't get a whole lot more complicated than that.

But if you looked into a woman's mind it would be a whole different story..."What is he thinking?"..."What is she thinking?"... "Does my ass look big in these jeans?"..."Why did he look at me like that?"..."Was he just flirting with me?"..."Should I have sex with him?"... "Am I gaining weight?"..."Yes, my ass is definitely too fat for these jeans."...ad infinitum.

Men enjoy simple things. For example, we like to hear facts like a male rat will have sex 20 times a day. (John Edwards is a perfect example which proves that one.) Or that the male lion will often have sex up to 50 times a day. (Ah, yes. It is good to be the king.)

A woman is way more likely to complicate those simple facts and ask, "What is that male lion thinking about when he is making all these conquests. Is he trying to prove his masculinity? I wonder if that lion would think my ass is too big for these jeans?" You get the idea.

Again, men are simple beings. Yes, it is true that some of us are idiots too but that just adds to our charm. We really aren't thinking anything at all complex when women are trying to figure out what we are thinking. Very often we are just staring off into space. Many times men don't think of what we are saying before we say it and that often gets us in trouble with women. The woman then thinks we have some sinister plot going on, that's why we said that mean thing. The fact is we were just too stupid to think that thought through to an end and it gets us in trouble.

So, women, you will have to forgive us and please stop thinking we have more on our minds than we do. We are not actually that complicated. But while we may not always be as smart as you, we are also not complete morons. We are never going to give you an honest answer on the question, "Do these jeans make my ass look fat?" Because we still do want to have sex with you.

Spring is an exciting time because it marks a new beginning of things. For Eric Massa, the recently resigned member of Congress, it represents the need to get a new career after being accused of being gay and groping a male assistant. He said it was tickling and not groping and maybe the public could have forgotten about if that was all there was to it (he is a Congressman, after all.) The thing that really blew his cover though was after the tickling he also took the guy clothes shopping and then to a Broadway musical.

With the advent of spring President Obama is thinking of a fresh start as well. After bombing out on his first year in office he figures the "hope and change" slogan may have worn a little thin so he is reworking the slogan to "pray for a change in the public's opinion of me". It is not quite as catchy but something he definitely needs.

When Obama first came into office he was all Wizard of Oz-ish. But after the first year he is now looking at his dog and saying, "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." A new spring and a fresh beginning is just what the doctor ordered so in order to achieve that he is now telling the public to "ignore the man behind the curtain." I guess he figures that worked for Dick Cheney for 8 years with President Bush, so it's worth a shot.

If that doesn't work he can try something new like setting a deadline for Congress to pass the Obamacare bill. Oh, wait...that's not new, so forget that one.

Spring break has many connotations for many people. For some it means a quiet vacation. For Congress, being the power-crazed, trying to recapture their youth, old farts that they are, it probably means partying at a Florida beach resort. Think congressmen in bathing suits, that's enough right there to not get them re-elected. Just imagine the taxpayer expense of getting them and all their aides to Florida. (Remember there will probably be unlimited "tickling" going on at their spring break.) I'm sure they would consider it tremendous for the economy with all the jobs that they would be creating.

I can just envision the conversation between two congressmen on the beach:

(They see some attractive bikini clad college girls walk by)

Congressman #1: If they put a few perks like that is the health care bill I bet we'd get it passed.

Congressman #2: Whoa, talk about too big to fail.

Then all of a sudden a congressman runs by wearing Speedos with his full man breast flopping in the wind as he chases his female aide (not all congressman are gay.) Just then former Congressman Massa walks up and sees the scene. To him the Speedos clad man and his man breasts are in slow motion like a "Baywatch" preview.

Massa: Wow! If that's not a stimulus package I don't know what is.

With that thought maybe its best if spring never actually does arrive and let's hope Congress passes a law that none of them can ever go onto the beach.

Tax season is when we can all feel like we are government employees. The difference is that some of the employees get a check and the rest of us give our check to them. So, again we are back to that word I was thinking of in the first paragraph that was definitely not "satisfied". Sex was not going to be the theme of this article but it seems to be so far, just not the fun kind, more like the kind you could expect on a blind date with Mike Tyson.

When someone calls the IRS for tax help on their toll-free number there is only a 70% chance that you will actually talk to a live person ( and when you do talk to a live IRS agent "live" becomes a relative term.) And then when someone is fortunate enough to talk to a person the conversation often goes something like this:

IRS agent: This is the IRS, may I help you?

Joe Q. Public: ...What? Is that a real person or did I actually die during the wait and I'm now in heaven?

IRS Agent: Well, sir, if you had died and you were talking to the IRS you would certainly not be in heaven.

(Author's note: Even an IRS agent can have a sense of humor...at least in my article.)

Joe Q. Public: Okay, so, I have some questions. I'm looking at line 13 of my tax form and I'm not sure how to answer it.

IRS Agent: Technically that is not a question. You'll have to ask your question with a question format.

Joe Q. Public: (impatiently) Okay, what does line 13 mean?

IRS Agent: What does anything really mean? Is there really any meaning in life?

(Author's note again: A real IRS agent is not intelligent enough to even feign a philosophical attitude but I am using artistic license.)

Joe Q. Public: Huh? Oh, never mind. Let's go to the next question. I am raising chickens in my back yard so I can afford to give my family eggs for breakfast each morning. Can I get a deduction out of that?

IRS Agent: No, you should be going out for breakfast to help the economy. That is two strikes against you. Three strikes and you get an automatic audit.

Joe Q. Public: Two strikes? What was my first strike?

IRS Agent: The line 13 question.

Joe Q. Public: (exasperated) But you never told me anything about line 13...Oh, never mind.

He hangs up the phone. The IRS Agent looks to her superior who was listening in on the conversation. He gives her a wink and a pat on the back and says, "Good job, if we start giving the public answers they'll think we actually have an idea of what we're doing."

And there you have it, government efficiency at its best. Now you understand why GM has a plan to save itself by producing a new model of car called the Chevy Clunker. They'll be able to sell them all to the government for cash.

The public confidence in Congress is at an all time low, even lower than that of the president's, although he is gaining fast, and to be fair he has only been in office a little over a year. You can't blame anyone who lacks confidence though, what with nearly every headline you read or hear regarding politicians is about corruption, infidelity, graft and general lack of ethics (a.k.a. "another day in Congress".) It is little wonder that the Tea Party is gaining popularity so fast. Of course, our members of Congress could get right on board with that if we'd just be willing to change it from tea to a rum and coke party and maybe add a few hookers into the mix (and add a room on the side with free botox injections for Nancy Pelosi.) It would be one of the few bipartisan ideas that every one of them could support.

The "Nigerian businessman" who just sent you an e-mail asking for your bank information is only a guy in training to become a politician. Tiger Woods would have made an exceptional politician except that he got caught way too early in his career. You have to be able to hide these things better than that. You need to at least get elected first. Then it is more acceptable because it is totally expected.

There was going to be a new reality show called "Dancing with the Politicians" but it never got on the air. Because of all the slime it made the floors too slippery and no one could dance. Plus, could you imagine someone wanting to dance with Harry Reid or Nancy Pelosi?

Another new political reality show being tossed around is entitled "Deal or No Deal on Healthcare". They are planning to borrow their advertising slogan from the movie "The Sixth Sense" so when their commercial comes on a kid will come out and say, "I see dead people." That should define the show quite well.

There is one more political reality show in the works but this one is strictly for democrats. Really, the last one was too but they'll at least pretend to let the republicans play. This show is called "What Would Ted Kennedy Do?" The guy who loses has to drive his car off a bridge into a river with a pregnant woman with him. If he survives he'll be forced to serve in the Senate for the rest of his life and he'll be known as "The Liar of the Senate". No wait... maybe that was "Lion"... not really sure on that, I'll have to get back to you.

And last of all, there is going to be a news show just about Congress. It will be called "The Stimulus Report". It will be an expose' on which congressmen are taking sexual enhancement bribes from the drug companies to let them continue to legally push drugs on the American people.

On that note I am all for throwing a party for Congress at election time....as long as it is the Tea Party

One day young Obama found these magic beans. A voice from the sky told him that if he planted these beans it would grow jobs for all the people who lived around the great big farm. He wasn't sure how this could work but if the voice told him it was true he knew it must be.

So young Obama knew he had to rely greatly on his shoveling skills to plant these beans. He would also need the help of the 535 farmhands that worked on the farm to plant these beans. Fortunately, a prerequisite for being a farmhand was to be extra good at shoveling, in many cases that was their only skill. Young Obama also thought of another farmhand named Joe and maybe Joe could help. He ran out to find Joe but when he saw him he was just sitting on a pile of hay with a piece of grass between his teeth and staring off into space. Young Obama thought Joe was daydreaming about how one day he would be in charge and young Obama knew that Joe was not going to be of much help. As a side note, young Obama heard a noise on the other side of the stack of hay that sounded like grunting. He went to check it out but it was just the guy who used to run the farm, Bill, with a young woman from town rolling around together. Young Obama smiled but he knew he had no time to watch this, he had to get these magic beans planted or he wouldn't be running the farm for very much longer.

Young Obama went to find old Harry. He was in charge of the farmhands and he was very good at shoveling and getting others to shovel. The only problem was that there were farmhands that worked only on the left side of the farm and others that worked only on the right side of the farm and they would always argue with each other. They never wanted to work together. This was a problem for young Obama.

Young Obama also called upon another of the main farmhands, a lady named Nancy. She was excellent at shoveling but it seemed that sometimes she shoveled the holes so deeply that they were too difficult to get out of. Not only that, young Obama had a hard time looking at Nancy because her face seemed plastic and she never was able to smile except through great effort. This problem of getting the beans planted was getting more and more difficult and time was becoming a factor. If these beans didn't get planted soon young Obama's friends on the left side of the farm were going to be replaced by new farmhands. (What young Obama didn't realize was that it would be just a new set of shovelers shoveling the same old stuff, but he was still mighty concerned.)

Suddenly a bright idea came to young Obama. It didn't matter how well the beans would grow into jobs if he hired bean counters who used calculators with a held down seven. In that way no matter what number was punched into the calculator it would always be multiplied by seven and he would look good no matter what. Problem solved.

So, somehow young Obama got the farmhands to plant the beans but it was done sloppily and without much forethought and the beans grew a little but they were not healthy, robust beans and they didn't make many jobs as the voice from the sky had promised. But young Obama always did have a backup plan in case the magic beans failed him. He could always blame that big bush that was in the middle of the field, saying that it had poisoned his beans. And so he did. And young Obama lived happily ever after (at least for the next 3 years.)

I always like to look for the positive in things and since Washington D. C. was one of the worst areas hit with the blizzard at least it prevented Congress from doing anything stupid for a few days and that is an exceptionally good thing.

Congress, or more broadly politicians in general, don't have the best reputation. But to be fair they have helped a lot of people. For example, there are many stand-up comics who would have nothing to say if it wasn't for Congress and other politicians. And think of all the hookers who would be out on the street if it weren't for politicians (to clarify, the politicians keep them off the streets by having them in their bedrooms.) And think of all the women who are the mistresses of these guys, what are they supposed to do go out and get a job? But the line has to be drawn somewhere, Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina, outsourced his adultery to another country and I don't think that's right, unemployment is already too high. There are plenty of women in this country who could have supplied the same services.

I am comforted, though, that some in Congress are championing the efforts to replace the BCS with a legitimate college football playoff. There could be chaos in the streets if we let sports writers vote on which is the best college football team. And thank god they are up in arms about the use of steroids in professional sports. Everyone knows that can lead to more dangerous drugs, and if Americans started taking illegal drugs we'd really have a problem then!

And now the House of Congress has voted to raise the debt limit. I'm sure the Senate will follow suit. In other words every time you reach the limit of money you have to spend all you have to do is raise the limit. I wonder if there is a congressperson that can even spell the word "economics". Currently, the nation owes $40,000 for every person in the country (I'm not sure if that includes the illegal aliens.) So I thinking I'd like to receive my in gold!

What can congressmen (I'm laying off the congresswomen for now, but I have lots to say about Nancy Pelosi, et. al., perhaps the subject of another article! ) be thinking when they are working. Here's my guess:

Congressman #1: Hey, did you read any of that last bill we voted for?

Congressman #2: (laughs) Uh, let me ask you this, were they any pictures of naked women in the bill?

Congressman #1: Not that I know of, I would have looked at it myself if someone told me there were.

Congressman #2: Exactly, now don't waste my time with stupid questions.

Congressman #1: Sorry, here's a legitimate question for you. Did you see the new hottie at the coffee stand out front?

Congressman #2: Wow! Did I ever! I'll tell you, I've got a stimulus plan for that babe.

So, back to that snow storm I mentioned in the beginning, is there anyway we could keep that going over Washington D.C. until... I don't know, say about June. Maybe we could get Al Gore to invent something that will make it happen!

Now for the questions from our readers:

Dear Crabby,

I was recently on a flight to see an old, dear friend and while going through airport security they had me stand in one of those scanning machines that essentially allows the security people to see my naked body. I was assured the picture would be deleted immediately after they examined it. It was an awkward moment and I honestly didn't know what to think. What should I have done?

Embarrassed in North Dakota

Dear Embarrassed,

Since you said your "old, dear friend" I'm guessing you are no spring chicken yourself, and add in the fact that you are from North Dakota, where it's cold enough to make you feel like your life is hell, yet it freezes over all the time, I assume you rarely have been seen naked in recent times. So, instead of whining about it be glad someone finally wants to see you that way. If by some chance you are a hottie then your pictures are probably being sold on some porn site as I write this letter. After all, airport security is a federally funded organization and they gave all their money away to the banks and insurance and auto industries, so they gotta get money somehow. So next time this happens tell them you at least want a piece of the pie and ask for a royalty. The other alternative to the body scan is getting a full body pat down, which could be fun too, depending on how you look at things.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I'm a college student and I think I might be pregnant. What should I do?

Oops! In Oregon

Dear Oops,

First of all I'm assuming you're blonde. Since you think you might be pregnant, do you also think you may have had sex without a condom? As to what you should do, since you are a college girl I'm guessing there is a library on the campus somewhere (It's probably the building you walk by and wonder what they do in there.) Go to that building and look up birth control. Next, stop getting drunk on dates. And last of all, plan on taking off at least one semester from college.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend likes to spend a lot of time at Hooters but he insists it's because they have good food at reasonable prices. I'm not sure what to think about that. Any advice?

Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried,

I was wrong. I thought I couldn't get any letters that were more stupid that the pregnant girl's above, but you have humbled me. I'm gonna make a wild guess and say he says he likes to read Playboy for the articles and he goes to strip clubs for the free chicken fried steak. My advice to you is dump Hooters boy and then get a life (and possibly a brain transplant.)

Crabby

Thank you for reading "Dear Crabby" and if you think she is mean you should have read some the advice given out by her sisters "Dear Pre-Menstrual Stress Lady" and "Dear Menopausal Woman".

Who knows what she or someone who might steal the almond butter from her could have done. It could have been spread over the windshield of the plane, thereby blocking the pilot's vision and preventing a safe landing. Or, it could have been spread in the aisle so as the flight attendant steps in it, it slows her down enough that she wouldn't be able to serve the pilot his in-flight alcohol in a timely fashion to get him drunk, which upsets his rhythm and crashes the plane. The possibilities here are endless. (SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a potential terrorist please stop reading now because I don't want you to get any terrorism ideas from this article.)

It was comforting to have her tell me, though, that her almond butter would not have been taken away if the container had been 3 ounces or less. I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that airport security is using logic and good common sense. If you had no more than 3 ounces of the stuff, for example, you couldn't possibly cover the entire windshield, another disaster averted!

Earlier this year I had forgotten myself and put my, greater than 3 ounce container of toothpaste, in my carry-on bag and I was happy to know that it was confiscated before I got onto the plane. If some terrorist had found that stuff in my bag and stolen it he could have taken it into the bathroom and brushed his teeth until the 5 ounce of toothpaste was all used up. Then his teeth would be so white so that he could go into the plane, get everyone's attention, and smile widely while flashing a light on his teeth and blinding everyone, thereby, taking over the plane. We are safe in the hands of airport security!!!

Laying off airport security for the moment, lest they never let me fly anywhere again, that terrorist on Christmas day was not a particularly bright guy. He had the bomb hidden in his underwear. If a bomb blew up in his underwear what did the idiot think he was going to do when he got his reward of "70 virgins in heaven". He would have gotten a glimpse of the virgins, started salivating, and upon feeling no urges down below, actually having nothing down below, he would be screaming, "I WANT A DO OVER!"

If terrorists are willing to blow up their nether regions I'm sure they wouldn't mind putting a bomb inside their mouths either. I'll bet airport security will come up with an effective plan to combat that strategy, like giving random noogies to the flyers as they come through the line so that when they scream, "I'm telling my mom," the bomb in their mouth will fall out.

Until the noogie strategy is adapted they can at least start catching the guys with bombs in their underwear by adopting the strategy of random atomic wedgies!

It turns out that in the first ten weeks of fetal development all brains are female. Then, in boys, a huge surge of testosterone hits the brain, killing cells in the communication center and growing them in the sex and aggression center. This explains why men don't like to talk about their feelings unless those feelings are sexually related and also why we leave the toilet seat up when we go to the bathroom as it allows us to be more aggressive in our return trips as we no longer have to bend over to lift the seat.

Because of the testosterone, the male fetus typically lags three weeks behind the female neurologically at birth. And according to what I've heard many females say the gap widens from there.

On the plus side for us men though, the testosterone poisoning does come in handy later because it helps some coordination neurons develop better which allows us to catch footballs, basketballs, and baseballs more easily. This is vital to society because if not for those skills there would be no sports on television and then there would be no place for the beer companies to show their commercials.

Testosterone is the thing that makes men and women different. Women with their greater communication skills like to talk about intimacy, and men, because they have more testosterone, like to be intimate (to be clear here, the male definition of intimacy is having sex.) Women, when the car breaks down, will say they think they heard the doohickey rattling before it broke. Men due to their greater testosterone levels, will open the hood of the car and nod knowingly and pretend to fix it before they take the car to a professional to get it fixed. And lastly, when a woman passes gas it will be a great source of embarrassment, but to a man, again, thanks to testosterone, will turn such an event into uncontrollable laughter and entertainment.

Nature, in its infinite wisdom, develops the female brain very precisely with less variation in how girl's brains develop, which is why women universally think the dress they are wearing makes their ass look fat. On the other hand the male brain has many more variables which is why sometimes you get Einstein and sometimes Larry the Cable Guy.

I can almost hear two of these fetal brain cells having a conversation prior to the testosterone attack that turns them male:

First female brain cell: Let's go to lunch and have a nice talk about our feelings.

Second Female brain cell: That sounds great but I'm not really hungry I just had a testosterone snack.

First cell: Oh, what's that like?

Second cell: Well I heard it was good for when you're feeling bloated, so I thought what harm could it do .

First cell: I heard it make you stupid though.

Second cell: Really, I never heard....WHOA! I think it just kicked in, talk about a stimulus act. I'll bet Obama didn't have this kind of stimulus in mind when he came up with economic stimulus. Bill Clinton and Kennedy were probably thinking this way though.

First cell: Oh my goodness, what's happening?

Second cell: I don't know, but you suddenly look awful darn hot to me. How about we skip lunch and go to my place and see what we can cook up there? If you get my meaning.

And there you have it women, we were just like you until the testosterone hit us. So it's not really our fault at all.

Being a resident of the fattest state I guess I should be honored since we are number one at something. But I just haven't felt the impact. It just means it is a lot easier to find a McDonalds here than it is to find a store that sells skinny pants.

It kind of gives new meaning to the Las Vegas catch phrase of "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Instead of the sexy connotation it tries to imply, it's more like, "Naw, I don't want to go anywhere. Let's just sit here and eat some chips and watch TV."

Nevada has a 31% obesity rate. Maybe Las Vegas can come up a new marketing slogan like "Hey, fat ass, come to Vegas and make yourself feel thin." I did notice a hotel marketing to locals had the slogan, "Lose some weight, your pockets will definitely feel lighter when you leave here." Just kidding, we are the fattest, not stupidest.

The Las Vegas Marathon was held recently. There was a shorter version of the race for the more obese citizens where they "power waddled" to the nearest Dunkin Donuts store.

That same newspaper article said that at the current rate that Americans are becoming obese by the year 2018 nearly 50% of the country will be obese. So, apparently, if Obama was really serious about health care he should be planning to turn the hospitals into diet centers. When we go to war in the future we'll just have our military sit on the enemie's military and that will be that.

I guess I have a greater understanding now why when they are marketing the "Gentlemen's clubs" in Las Vegas they almost always have more than one girl on the pictures. Considering how fat the Las Vegas men are the marketers are thinking with the concept, "I bet you can't eat just one."

Let's not just blame ourselves for being overweight. Let's take a look at this whole thing from the viewpoint of fat cells themselves, since they are the real culprits in this scenario:

Fat cell #1 (a male fat cell) - Hey sweetcakes, you are looking nice and plump these days, not like some of those skinny fat cell that I've seen lately.

Fat cell #2 (a female fat cell) - (blushing) Thanks, I do try to keep my figure expanding.

Fat cell #1 - Why don't we hunker down together with a fine meal of hydrogenated vegetable oils and high fructose corn syrup.

Fat cell #2 - Wow! You do know how to get a girl's attention.

So you see, it is not our fault as Americans that we are getting fatter by the day. It is the fault of the pesky fat cells that are making us that way. Besides that, if we weren't getting fatter there would be no need for quality television shows like The Biggest Loser. It could also affect us emotionally if too many of us got thin because right now we as Americans are confident in the fact that we are "too big to fail".

Let's face it, men and women are actually very different! I have to admit (begrudgingly) that men may have a few quirks of their own. Some people (if that person is a woman) might assume that women are actually superior. (Note to all men: that's not what I believe. I was forced at gunpoint to say this by a group of crazed women who have read some of my previous writings.)

Men can sometimes get so consumed in their work that when they are not working they have trouble differentiating the rest of life from work. For example, Tiger Woods spends his work day trying to get it into the hole, and apparently, when he gets off work he's still trying to do the same thing.

Yes, men are an anomaly. Through the ages they have willingly gone to war but if you ask them to go shopping they'll get a look of horror similar to the look you'd get from Bill Clinton if you told him he could only have sex with Hillary for the rest of his life.

In men's defense though, the shopping thing is genetic. That's why at conception female chromosomes are designated as "X" and men as "Y". It's a logical thing (obviously developed by a man) because when females are old enough to open a map they are Xing off the locations of all the malls and the males get the "Y" because when they see them doing that they ask, "why are they doing that?"

Men do seem to be much simpler than women. When a woman has to make an important decision about something she will often agonize over it for days, weighing all the pros and cons until she finally comes to a conclusion which she will immediately doubt and then have to go out to lunch to discuss it with her girlfriends. A man, on the other hand, faced with a life changing decision will go to a bar and make the decision with his best friend by playing paper, rock, scissors.

Woman will usually blame themselves for things to the point of introversion, whereas men like to find an external cause. If a woman tries on jeans she hasn't worn for a while and they seem tight it is because she's getting fat. If the same happens to a man he will come up with many more creative reasons for the tight jeans like they must have shrunk in the wash, or there is a lot of humidity lately that shrank them, or my wife is mad at me so she wants me to think I'm getting fat by having my clothes taken in.

Men are way more competitive than women, which is why most women aren't big sports fans. Men are sure they can influence the outcome of a game on TV by "intending "their team to win, or by yelling at the players (again on TV). This can even get to the point of insisting the phone lines stay open in case one of the players calls for advice.

Okay, upon further inspection, it looks like both of the sexes have their own issues. It's hard to say which one is more screwed up. But, being a man I am, of course, competitive and want to win so I'll make it into a game....Here we go...paper, rock scissors....YES, THE MEN WIN!!!

It made me wonder, can we just skip the whole Obamacare thing and just swear our way to good health? It would save a lot of money if that would work. But then, of course, those stupid, rotten *^%$^$#&##$%& %@!$^& congressmen (whew! Excuse me for that, but it did feel good.) would try to tax swearing. Naturally, just as Congress is trying to make themselves exempt from the healthcare that the rest of the nation would have, they would also be exempt from the tax on swearing. (Which makes me wish that swearing in congress was a legit thing, if only momentarily, like if, Joe Wilson, the "you lie guy" could have said what he was really thinking when he yelled that infamous, yet totally true, statement at Obama on the floor of congress. Okay, okay, I know I'm getting off the track here, but it was a fun thought.) Anyway, the whole swearing tax probably wouldn't work, it would just create a lot of black market swearing and groups going underground to swear.

Swearing could be the reason that professional athletes don't have more injuries than they do. If you can at all read lips when you watch them on TV you know they aren't spewing out nursery rhymes, or if they were they would go like this:

Jack and Jill went up the f$%^#!$ hill,

To fetch a pail of go#%^$&@#$*!;! water.

"Hey, my knee does feel better."

But then again this swearing to heal could have a totally undesirable effect too. What if the uncle you always hated was laying in a coma waiting to die and in a weak moment you decided to vent at him. The intention of the cussing directed at him could have the undesired effect of bringing him back to life. He'd wake up and smile at you and you'd have to go into the other room and cuss up a storm at yourself to make you feel better.

Or, what if one day you went into an uncontrollable cussing rage with your boss who you had secretly wanted a whole array of bad, evil things to happen to and he suddenly became the healthiest person on earth. And that could only make you want to swear more, making him even healthier.

Here's another unworkable idea, what if your child was sick and with totally good intentions you started swearing at the little b_ _ _ _ _ _ to make him well. Even if he got well he would resent you for the rest of his life.

After careful examination of this idea this psychologist has of relieving pain and upset by swearing, I think it's safe to say that he has his head way up his _ _ _! (Again, that felt good.) What's next? Are the shrinks going to start prescribing drugs for depression, instead of just eating right and being busy and productive... Wait a minute!! OH _ _ _ _!

She referred to me as the "host" of these parasites. See, now, this is the very reason I never liked throwing parties. There is such a mess to clean up afterward. Actually, she explained it more like my body is comparable to the typical American public (I would have preferred being called more like the Brad Pitt type, without the herd of children though, but, oh well). The parasites are kind of like the government, with taxes, healthcare with a public option, etc. The more of these parasites there are the less healthy you will be. It suddenly became clear. To clarify, I asked, "So if the head parasite tries to stimulate everything, all he is stimulating is more parasitic growth?" "Exactly," she confirmed. Now I understood.

I'm pretty sure there are parasites with different personalities too, just like people. For example, if I'm having a bad hair day, then I know the Donald Trump type parasites are really being active. On a day where I'm feeling old and creaky in the bones my Larry King parasites are acting up. Yesterday I had people at my door asking for a donation and my Ben Bernake type parasites where waking up and I almost gave everything away. Luckily, I had enough Jack Benny parasites in me to overcome that urge.

This morning, while getting dressed, I could only get my pants half way up my ass and I couldn't figure out what was going on. Finally, I realized I had inadvertently activated some male teenage parasites. This was confirmed when my car keys were missing.

Last night as I was falling asleep and in that in-between stage of sleep and awake I swear I heard a conversation going on. It started with some guy with a Mexican accent. "Hey, man, you really stink."

A guy with a heavy New York accent answered. "Yeah, I don't know what happened it was like I got trapped in a sewer or something."

The Mexican guy said, "No, dumb ass, you were in the colon. You gotta stay up here in the stomach where it's safe and all the good food is. You get much lower than the colon and you are outta here, man."

The New York guy said, "Yeah, I was feelin' kinda flushed down there." Badumbump (sound effects added by me.) Hey, who said parasites can't have a sense of humor.

Then I heard a conversation between two fat guys. I didn't really get all that was said but it was something about going to McDonalds followed by a trip to Dunkin Donuts. Apparently about two-thirds of these guys are fat, so it's just like America, really.

Then I heard another guy trying to get a woman into bed. It was either a French guy, Bill Clinton or John Edwards, I couldn't tell which.

Anyway, the nutritionist told me there is a solution to all these voices in my head. So, fortunately, I'll be able to go back to just having the ringing in my ears. She sold me some herbal formula, which, when I started taking it I swear I heard a voice with a Clint Eastwood type sound saying, "Make my day."

That's right it's time to teach your teenager to drive. In my case it was even worse, a teenage girl.

Oh sure, people will say, "She's gotta learn sometime." My question to that statement is, "WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE IN MY CAR?"

It seems there should be some learning car that beginning drivers could drive. And, better yet, have it be off in some alternate universe where no one can get hurt, no cars get banged up, and most of all, my nerves don't get frazzled.

I can hear all the "know-bests" saying, "You have nothing to fear, but fear itself." Strangely, death, mutilation, and, worst of all, dented fenders come to mind.

A big fear of any parent teaching their teenager to drive is, "What if they never really learn?" It is a legitimate concern, after all, someone once taught Donald Trump how to use a comb and look how that turned out.

Next, I tried to teach her to pump gas to which she responded, "Why do I need to learn to do this? I don't have money to pay for gas anyway." My quick retort was to look into my wallet and start sobbing.

For me, personally, I never worried about all the dirty looks from other drivers, or the beeping horns when my daughter waited to pull out because she could see smog in the air so she knew there had to be a car coming toward her soon, or even the road rage induced frustrations her driving caused. Actually gunfire may have been a welcome diversion to the constant reminder of how my insurance rates were going to skyrocket when she gets her license.

As we got close to the time she was just about ready for her driver's test (euphemism for me no longer freaking out when she nearly hits something) we had to address the parallel parking issue. Why this is so difficult I don't know. But from what I've seen for myself and from talking to other parents you'd think parallel parking was harder than trying to stop a horny dog from humping your leg when you are wearing a new suit. Anyway, after we got through that debacle she took her test and passed, proving, once again, that the level of testing in all levels of learning, not just public schools, is constantly being lowered to meet the level of the student.

But then, as I saw her pulling away for her first solo drive the scariest realization of all came to me. Female teenage drivers eventually become "women drivers." All over again I started to get anxious. I started to break out in a sweat...it might be best to not go there since my wife just walked into the room and she love s to read over my shoulder...OUCH!

Then I looked closer and saw they were just doing an earthquake drill and they were chanting "drop, cover and hold on". No doubt this was a mantra borrowed from another disaster crisis plan, the one that John Edward's mistresses practice when he shows up at their front door.

California is, without question, a beautiful state and its nickname is "The Golden State", which most likely was adopted by someone looking down from an airplane during brush fire season.

The earthquake drill had nearly 7 million people involved, not only children but adults were doing it too. Bill Clinton read about this and got upset no one told him masses of grown women would be going down under tables and desks in unison. I can just imagine him thinking, "I wish we'd have moved to California instead of New York," and, "ah, to be president again," as he puffed on his cigar and looked nostalgically into the sky.

The state of California also leads the nation in foreclosures. But on the bright side, with the possibilities of earthquakes home owners can at least hope their home gets sucked up by the earth before they get sucked up by the banks. And maybe their insurance will even cover it...come to think of it that probably won't happen because the insurance companies like AIG gave up all their money in bonuses to their execs.

In the article on the earthquake drill it said that a seismologist crawled under a table along with a row of suited government officials. Now, I understand that they were doing this as a good example for the kids but it warms my heart to get the image of suited government officials hiding under a table. It would be better to hear they were hiding inside a ground hog hole or snuggled in a rat's nest (way more appropriate) but I'll take this image for now.

The earthquake drill was being done 2 days before the 20th anniversary of a major earthquake that hit the San Francisco region in 1989. But I'm guessing that earthquake was just karma for the area having elected Nancy Pelosi into office just 2 years before that. Maybe what the people of California really need to drill is electing officials who are actually from this planet and whose faces don't ooze botox when they feel they need to force a smile.

This whole earthquake drill thing was organized by a group called the Great California ShakeOut. While its actual intentions were very good in alerting people of the dangers of earthquakes, when a group of state senators saw the word ShakeOut they were sure it was another method of taxing people.

Californians have earthquakes, brush fires often followed by mudslides, one of the highest tax systems in the country, and a governor who has trouble speaking the language. In spite of it all, I have to admit, I still do like to visit whenever I can, but if they could give a schedule to those earthquakes I'd sure appreciate it.

I only shop for and wrap my wife's gifts. She does all that for the rest of the people we give gifts to, the plight of being a woman, I guess. But she somehow does this with the same enthusiasm that Tiger Woods has when he discovers a porn star or cocktail waitress that he has not yet "dated". I don't understand it.

This year I had a solution. I was just going to get one big box and throw all her gifts inside. That way the torture is over much more quickly. She got wind of the idea and put the kibosh on it. I argued it was good for the environment as it saved paper and boxes. She didn't go for it. I reasoned that this way would take less room under the tree. No go. I suggested how saving time from not wrapping individually would give me more time to reflect on my love for her. She suggested I reflect, while wrapping, on how much I enjoyed staying married.

I'm pretty sure when those Iraqi suicide bombers are recruited they ask them, "Would you like to wrap presents? Or, here's another idea..." And when they promise them the 70 virgins greeting them in heaven they have to also put a clause in the contract that says, "you don't have to shop for or wrap gifts for any of them...even the ones you really like a lot."

I had the idea of buying her a car for Christmas and just sticking a bow on it but this year I couldn't even afford one of the clunkers that was traded in the "cash for clunkers" deal. Plus, giving a battered up car as a gift would be like having the wrapping paper all crooked and not very pretty....which is pretty much how the boxes I wrap look anyway, now that I think of it.

I wondered if other men had as much distaste for wrapping gifts as I did. So, while I was at the mall doing my shopping I thought I'd ask other men what they thought. I saw a guy sitting on a bench staring out at the crowd. I said to him," What do you think of wrapping gifts?"

He kept staring. I repeated the question. He finally gave an answer which consisted of a loud snore and "zzzzzzzzzzzzzz," as he fell deeper into sleep. I took that as a vote for my side.

Next, I decided to go to the gift wrapping department. I asked a man there why he wasn't wrapping his own gifts. He responded with, "My hands are too big to properly manipulate the paper and tape."

Being the devil's advocate, I asked if he was a fisherman. He very enthusiastically said he was. So I asked him how he could tie a lure onto the fishing line. He explained in great detail how that was a different proposition. To sum it up, though, the reason he could do that is because it was something he enjoyed.

I think it's safe to say that I am not alone in disliking Christmas gift wrapping. So let me end by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. (How's that for a wrap up? And it's one I enjoyed!)

This same article said that the British were getting so lazy that more than a third of those surveyed would not run to catch a bus. In Las Vegas, where I live, we have that handled. There are pictures of semi-naked girls on the buses so we not only run to catch them we have cars crashing all around them from people staring, which also makes it easier to catch the bus because the traffic slows down.

Back to the too tired for sex thing, we Americans have that handled too. We invented penile implants so when we're too tired for an erection the implants take care of it. And since most of our plastic surgeons are perverts the implants have the women thinking these implants are "too big to fail" so they feel obligated to "give more", as it were. Wow, the American sex life sounds strangely like the Obama administration. Well, that does make sense since the American people are definitely getting screwed and the administration is run by a bunch of dicks.

Speaking of congressmen, (at least that's what I thought of when I wrote the last sentence) it seems they have no trouble finding time or energy for sex. Of course I'm referring to their extramarital affairs. If we interviewed their wives we may find a lot more references to the "Biggest Loser" than we'd get to "Dancing with the Stars". But when a congressman meets an attractive woman (that is not his wife) his first thoughts go to "Deal or No Deal", while the woman is thinking "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader". Ladies, the answer is they are smarter but they have less ethics and integrity, because those are the qualifications to even run for congress.

Again, returning to the British sex life. I can just imagine a conversation a British couple may have as they crawl into bed into bed for the night (insert heavy English accent):

Man: Would you like to have sex tonight?

Woman: That depends, have you brushed your teeth?

Man: Well no, of course not.

Woman: Well, you better "pull the plug" on that idea then.

Man: That's fine, you remind me of my granny anyway.

(In case you missed it, that was a reference to Obama healthcare there. I do apologize for that one but I can't resist it, whenever I think of getting screwed I think of the Obama administration. My bad.)

All this talk about congress and the Obama administration makes me think of socialism, which, now that I think about it, goes right along with the typical congressman's ideas of sex. We should all give equally, at least the women to him. And, of course, for some congressmen that would also include young boys or anyone in a restroom stall.

In that same newspaper article about the British being too lazy to have sex it said that sex can be great exercise. Now I'm sure some of you readers are now thinking, "But, I like to work out alone." You should know that in this case "working out" with a "work out partner" is far more beneficial. But first, don't forget to brush your teeth.

Is it my imagination or wouldn't that just take a whole lot of fun out of for the animal? Just think, a race horse is put out to stud after making millions of dollars for his owners by winning races and this is his reward?? He's been bragging to his buddies at the local feeding trough about all the fillies he'll be bedding soon and then he sees a woman coming at him with a glove on...please tell me she wears a glove! I guess it could be a lot worse, he could see a proctologist coming towards him as he snaps on a rubber glove like I did for my last physical, but it still just doesn't seem fair to the horse. Plus, what is it liable to do to the horse's complexion? And what about blindness?!? This is getting less and less fair the more I think about it.

The article said it is safer for the animals this way because it prevents injuries to the female...all the wild animal sex, I guess. But that was probably why the horse worked so hard to win all those races in the first place, so he could be rewarded with wild animal sex.

The vet doesn't just service horses, as it were, but other animals as well. Is it me, or do you also doubt the possibilities of turtles hurting themselves by rapid, wild sexual movements?

...And how do you collect semen from a snake? Or more accurately, from where do you collect semen from a snake?

My next thought is how big of a cup do you need to collect semen from a horse and who holds it? Also, do they have to show the horses pictures of female horses in suggestive positions or do they make horse porn for this purpose (or for exceptionally weird humans?)

Oh sure, someone is going to ruin this even further for the poor animals by telling me a human doesn't collect the semen but that it is done by some kind of a machine...or worse someone has written a software program that does it. COME ON PEOPLE! We're going to get these poor animals so ticked off at us the next thing you know they won't consent to be eaten by us anymore.

How about we examine the psyche of this woman who makes a living out of doing this thing to farm animals? Wouldn't Sigmund Freud have a field day with that? But, then, by the same token, what kind of a psycho becomes a psychiatrist?...or what kind of an...becomes a proctologist?.... or what kind of a ....becomes a urologist? I think anyone who has ever divorced someone in those professions could tell you! But, alas, let us not cast aspersions...no forget that, I would.

I wonder what the female animals think of all this. Oh sure, the Jewish female animals (is that where kosher meats come from?) are happy, they no longer have to come up with the flimsy headache excuses. And this makes it easier on the one that are embarrassed by their heavy thighs, this is particularly true of the cows and the pigs. But what about the female animals in bars trying to attract a husband? They can't say, "Would you like to come up to my apartment for some coffee and who knows, maybe later my veterinarian will come over with her glove and semen cup."

Isn't it likely that the lonely sheepherder out in the hills for so long might find this whole idea of artificially inseminating his herd rather offensive...never mind. That really is a whole different subject.

After looking at that I don't know how they call Las Vegas "Sin City", all we have are strippers, strip clubs, hookers and "dealers", who knows what is going on in towns like Blue Ball.

Seriously though, I do love Las Vegas, and I'm proud of the slogan, "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," otherwise all of my out of state friends would think I fall asleep at 9:00 every night (which I do, but why blow my cover). We are one of the most unique cities in the world and have much to be thankful for, great weather, wonderful food, fantastic entertainment, and, most of all that the monorail was not funded with taxpayer dollars.

We are lucky enough to have a powerful and caring mayor who loves our city almost as much as a bottle of gin, and that is quite a tribute in this case. We have a governor who is nonpartisan as any politician could be, meaning he is equally hated by Republicans and Democrats.

When I was a kid growing up in Pennsylvania, I had to walk to school through high drifts of snow, sometimes even barefoot, as I always liked to tell my daughter (while at the same time asking her to "pull my finger"). In contrast, Las Vegas is a four hour drive from Disneyland - how are you going to beat that?

Where else but Las Vegas can you see very aesthetic mega resorts? We have mountains on one side and one of the largest man-made lakes in the world on the other side. We don't have to worry about earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados or Cher performing her "farewell tour" year after year after year...oh, wait, we do have that one, but from the others we are pretty safe.

Oh sure there are the naysayers that complain that Las Vegas has all the debauchery of gambling, strip clubs, and billboards of naked women on every corner. To that I say, "So what's your point?"

Many of the people who founded our great city may have been scoundrels but they were also visionaries and what they envisioned may not be what we currently have but we are pretty darn proud of it. And for those few who don't care for Las Vegas, several government dignitaries have been quoted "off the record" as saying, "Bite me."

If someone wants to have a nice vacation they might want to try visiting Blue Ball, Pennsylvania, but, if they want to have a GREAT vacation they should come to Las Vegas.